Composition over Contradiction

I have been watching myself over the past few years and especially when I became a mother. I began to realize I had an unwanted flaw. I am a hypocrite. Then I moved to Uganda and as a westerner who tends to romanticize life, I really began to embrace my hypocrisy even as I lamented it. I couldn’t escape breaking my own ideals and rules whether it was with society or just in my own household. I like to hold people to standards I do not hold for myself. Then, during the polarizing Trump presidency I have found the word contradiction. I notice I am FULL of contradictions and as I try to hash out these conflicting ideologies with people I both agree and disagree with, I cringe a lot. More than I want to and I didn't know what to do about it. Politics have become very unsatisfactory in the U.S., to say the least. I am having a hard time reconciling my own hypocrisy and contradictions.

Then the summer happened and George Floyd died and my country came off it’s hinges. I am watching all of this and pondering as I have done for years. I am a person of prayer, so that’s where I have found my place and my refuge. I have met the most amazing people and found a tribe of people also looking beyond institutions and law and pop culture to define and to help us. We look to God and we are together. One guy in particular is named Dr. Mubobo. He originally comes from the DR Congo and is now a pastor in my town. He has lived for many years in our country. I barely know him and I haven’t seen him since the summer, but we are kindred spirits in many ways. He even prayed in French one day and with his Congolese accent, I was delightfully transported straight back to Uganda, which is on the DR Congo border. We lived there for just under three years. We had a few friends from DR Congo. Anyway, we met at the prayer meeting and I was walking home from downtown when a man in a car flagged me down. It was him! He gave me a book he wrote about a friendship with an American woman. It is a beautiful story about love and brokenness and friendship and God in the middle of all of it. It’s called God is Not Done with Me Yet.

I really paid attention to this book and what was I supposed to learn. I learned a lot—I had been feeling very uneasy with my inability to really love people different than me. I am meeting all kinds of people at the university where I currently take classes and that has been so fun. I have realized I do love people, even if imperfectly. I was beginning to worry, but what I found is I love people I know—it’s easier to fuss about ideas or people you don’t know that we see on TV or read about on social media. But those I live with and know, I love. Whew. However, it’s very limited and that being said, I still lose patience (mostly with my own family). My love is very short and weak. So, this book is about God’s love, which is never-ending and never fails. That was one concept for me to remember and challenged me to keep growing.

Then, I read this sentence and it was very satisfying. Quoting AW Tozer, Dr. Mubobo writes, “ Human character is not constant because the traits or qualities that constitute it are unstable. Man can be nice when he is young and bad when he is older. A man is a composition.” Dr. Mubobo goes on to write, “This is not the case with God. He is self-existing; therefore, he was not created, nor formed. God is not a composition. He is indeed constant.”

Yes. Composition, not contradiction, not hypocrisy.. So, then I began to think how we are made up of good notes and bad notes, rough drafts and many editions—just like music and books. Our lives reflect mistakes, good, evil, failure and success. I like these various definitions from Merriam Webster:

Composition

specifically : arrangement into specific proportion or relation and especially into artistic form

: general makeup

: mutual settlement or agreement

an intellectual creation: such as : a piece of writing, : a written piece of music especially of considerable size and complexity.

We may not understand God, but you will never convince me humans don’t need God. No way. We are living in tension between the finite and The Infinite. Humans alone cannot be expected to solve all our problems as we ARE flawed. The idea of composition has comforted me in such a strange era of pandemics, social upheaval and environmental threats. It helps me be patient with myself and others. It sparks my curiosity to people’s stories and to live in love, not fear and speculation. It helps me to seek understanding and not judge. I do understand that people have a story, I just forget to ask about it and to listen. Composition is a satisfying word and thought. I like the definition that says “mutual settlement or agreement” Recently, we have read many stories about Ruth Bader Ginsburg and one of my favorite is about her friendship with Antonin Scalia. They were so different in gender, thought and background and yet were friends AND respected each other. What if I look at you and you look at me and we know that we are not labels, we are not the sum total of our gender, experiences, ethnicity, age, role or station in life, but rather a work in progress? What if I slow down and ponder you and you ponder me and we don't rush to labels, conclusions or other polarizing thoughts? What if I humble myself before you and listen and forgive and learn? What if I need you and you need me? Humanity and history are compositions, only God is constant! This will be a life long progression of thought and action!