On Sharing
Cover Photo by Markus Winkler on Unsplash
I had no idea sharing was a cross cultural concept until I moved to Uganda. Sharing in one country and context can mean something different than in another. I visit countries and have lived cross culturally with the desire to share life. I have come to learn that sharing is contextual. It not only is cultural but also dependent on resources and stability. For me, because I generally have resources and typically am not in crisis or need, I want to share stories and experiences. What I have learned is that you can’t always have that assumption and you have to be more open to what someone else’s idea of sharing is. You can’t control sharing in community. I felt I needed to adjust my expectations and try to give and receive according to what the needs actually are!
When we lived in Uganda, it was a struggle to be seen as a person of resources surrounded by so much need. You can give all you have, and it still would not be enough. We did not always see eye to eye what sharing life would mean. How do you share appropriately? What if sharing turns into one sided giving and fosters dependance? Sometimes sharing/giving leads to creating dependence, and those that have lived in the area long-before you have all had similar experiences with different degrees of generosity. There are many books that include this topic. One is called When Helping Hurts and for Africa in particular, there is one called African, Friends and Money Matters. We were not the first or last people to encounter when sharing/giving has unintended consequences or meanings. We had to confront feelings of stinginess or being cheap or in reverse, feelings of being taken advantage of or seen as a never ending opportunity to “share,” but we didn’t want to be in a position of one sided giving if we were really to be friends with people. We were not used to that system! That was unexpected and to this day, I am still pondering these experiences.
A friend once wrote about some sharing experiences in a West African country that reminded me of our own experiences in Uganda. Their daughter had a large coloring book. In the U.S., you can share your stuff with friends and mostly they won’t ask you for it. They might be jealous or excited, but they know it is yours and can try to be happy for you when you share that you have something. So, the little girl living in West Africa, who is American, showed the coloring book to a neighbor friend who was local. The West African friend asked for it, and the little American girl gave her the page. She had some favorite coloring pages she was saving to color. Well, the word got out and other kids wanted to color too. So, she ended up giving the whole book away to neighbors. Ouch. This came at a cost since you can’t just buy coloring books in West Africa. When I read that story, it reminded me of similar experiences we have had over the years while visiting other countries. I noticed that years later, this little girl was visiting the US, but planning on going back to West Africa. She knew to get several coloring books to share, and the one she wanted to save, she kept to herself. I was impressed with her generosity but also her freedom to be ok with keeping one for herself as well.
We had several experiences that highlight these differences. Typically, Ugandans will share food or their physical help. During our first week of living in our new town in the western part of Uganda, a German friend who had lived in Uganda for a few years, came to introduce herself. She brought a pumpkin. As an American, I was curious to see a green pumpkin, and I thought it was amusing she would bring a vegetable. In the U.S., we might bring a plant or flowers or something baked or nothing at all. The little I experienced in Europe, it seems that flowers or wine are very important to bring, and we learned that you never come empty handed when visiting. In Uganda, we learned from our friends and neighbors to bring food. Once, my teammate and I had welcomed a friend coming from the Congo with a plate of brownies. She was coming back from the Christmas break. It was a long journey. We took the plate of brownies over, and she opened the door and looked quite unwell—thin and haggard. We were shocked by her scrawny appearance and so embarrassed that we had not brought what she really needed. Her family was at the University on scholarship and we realized she went home to much less support and apparently less food. We quickly ran to the market and got a boatload of items to restock her pantry. She was so happy when we returned with what actually would be helpful to feed her family.
Another cross cultural sharing experience was having children over. We had one neighbor who was home from boarding school and we had him over to play. Our son was nine at the time and brought him inside to play in his room. After the boy left, I asked Micah how was the time and he said that the neighbor just asked for stuff the entire time. To his disappointment, every time after that, the boy would continue to just ask for things. He never could see Micah as a friend and someone to play with. It seemed that he was triggered every time he saw all the stuff. I don’t think there is a stigma of asking for things, like in the U.S, where it would not be polite to ask your friend for their things. If you needed something, you would also be in a position to give back at another time, so the idea of sharing is more equal among peers. It was one of those topics that remained a struggle to me because it was so cultural.
Another friend told us when he got close to a Ugandan friend, he gave the friend a special watch to show appreciation and to share friendship. He found out the guy sold it. Our friend was from Europe and was so hurt and confused. It was cultural. It seems that Ugandans just don’t have attachment to things! Maybe he needed the money more than watch. Also, for Ugandans, if you give money or things and a relative or friend f theirs who is in greater need asks for it, they tend to to give it away. I really did want to share resources because we were so grateful for all the help we received, but I would generally stick to clothes or give things to a Ugandan friend to distribute as she saw fit. I also loved passing on books to our friends because books are really expensive and uncommon in Uganda and that was really fun to share. The friends I gave books to would in turn share the book with their friends. I liked the idea of sharing indirectly because it took the confusion and pressure out of the situation for me!
Sharing might not always be about money or material goods. I notice Americans love to share information—we will gather tips, recipes, cultural information and so on and share it in groups! Other cultures like the French or Africans seem to share information very sparingly. It is a very common experience for Americans to ask or think, “Why didn’t you tell me?” and for the host country folks to be perplexed for the expectation to give information! One time we were leaving to renew our visas in Rwanda. We had never been, so I asked our gardener to share tips about Rwanda. I was shocked when the kids came back in and told me that he shared stories about his escape from the genocide. Wow, that was an eye-opener. For Americans, the expectation of sharing about another country is about the travel, food, sight seeing or such. For Johnson, he was content to share tales from the genocide even with little kids. I learned a lot from that exchange and so did our kids. Thankfully, they were assured that it was safe to go to Rwanda now, but I found myself sober, pensive and my mood muted the entire time we were there.
I think I have had to grow out of the idea and expectation of sharing as an equal exchange. The Ugandans have a saying, “You today, me tomorrow” We might say “Pay it forward.” In the U.S., during the pandemic and post pandemic eras, we are all learning new thresholds of sharing. We are all navigating our own needs and those of friends, family and neighbors, whether it is school, work or health related. I have been thinking on this all year, “What does it mean to share?” on a spiritual, emotional and physical level. As we enter a new year and continue to endure the ramifications of a pandemic, it really is an appropriate time to ponder sharing, giving AND receiving! I remain challenged by my young friend living in West Africa, to have and to share and what does that look like in my current context? Being able to experience other sharing constructs stretched my perspective and my heart. Living generously has become increasingly important to me.
