I prefer Mid Life "Crossroads" over "Crisis" Further thoughts on ADHD

Photo by Ben White on Unsplash

I am curious about mid life crisis and the role of discovery. Some discoveries are inspiring, others are traumatic and yet mostly we seem to be on a journey of ups and downs, right? A diagnosis of ADHD at 50 was an unexpected but increasingly welcome discovery.. (Here is a good article for an overview on ADHD.) I always knew there was something different about me, but I wasn’t sure what, which kind of bothered me over the years. Recently, these discoveries have brought quite a few pleasant surprises involving further education and career possibilities, so I would like to reframe crisis for crossroads!

I mentioned in an earlier story about ADHD (click here for that story) that it was a gift and that , “I was motivated to get tested because I thought this condition was hindering me from attaining some goals and dreams. I was really interested in receiving help from accommodations in my college program and also, I was considering graduate school and teaching French in a formal setting, which I knew would require some change on my part.”

With the diagnosis and some possibilities of therapy and medicine, I was able to take steps towards some multitasking that I had not thought were ever possible. I am a pretty high capacity person, but I also can start and stop many interests and follow through can be a real issue. I am pretty skeptical of medicine, but as I get older, I realize sometimes you need medicine so your body can do it’s healing thing. The tricky thing about ADHD medicine is it can be a long process of trial and error which is a little intimidating and for some people tedious or discouraging. In my case, I was motivated to get help with the downsides of ADHD—namely, not always being able to make good decisions, especially under pressure or in an emergency, and issues with follow through, memory and self control. What makes me a great risk taker and spontaneous person makes me a bit of an ogre when I get “triggered" or if things get too busy or overwhelming.

At my first appointment, the psychologist encouraged me if I wanted to explore medication to make an appointment with my family doctor. The doctor happened to have ADHD, so she was very helpful, supportive and understanding. We started with Adderall, low dose because certain family members are on it and since ADHD is a genetic issue, this can be an indicator that it might be effective. Not always, but I was willing to experiment. I took it, and it kicked in. Effective immediately, here were my thoughts and first impressions. I could feel it rumbling through my body which was interesting, but it was the effect on my brain that was most telling. All my life, I felt like I had a bunch of wild sheep in my head and as soon as the medicine kicked in, I thought, “Oh the sheep are jumping and excited, but are staying in the pen.” I had energy and best of all I could think and make good decisions. I could remember things. I could be still in meetings. I could go to the DMV and stand in line and not feel compelled to talk to everyone in line. Wow. My thoughts during the next few weeks repeatedly turned to, “This is how everyone else lives? No wonder!” It EXPLAINED ALOT. Turns out, the executive function does a lot and for some reason ADHD brains don’t get adequately stimulated in that area. There are things about me that I just resolved: oh, that’s the way I am, for better or for worse, but now, I am questioning that!

Fast forward, and you may or may not have read about the Adderall shortage, so it was a short lived experience. I tried another non stimulant, but that was also short lived due to side effects. I am fine with that because I lived so long without taking anything. I am still thoughtful about medication, but my understanding is that if you can pair Cognitive Behavior Therapy and nutrition, the downsides of ADHD would potentially be managed so a person can lean into the positive sides of ADHD, creative genius, hyper focus, and basically superhuman productivity, haha!

Image from Screen Daily I always like her best in Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon!!!

My son commented once when we were watching the movie “Everything, Everywhere, All at Once” which is inspired by ADHD, that I am like Michelle Yeoh, the main character. She could call on past versions of herself to pull out what she needed for certain fights that she was called to participate in. He said, “Mom, all those past phases you have had aren’t failures! Look how you can use all of that with what your are currently doing.” Why, thanks, son.

Mid life: A Crossroads.

I don’t yet know if I will try another medication or stick with awareness, nutrition and behavior therapy. I am curious about life in the 5th decade. I am expectant and hopeful that these discoveries have led me to a very unexpected and delightful crossroads. Each step is one of faith, and so far, so good.