Thoughts on the present
“Yesterday is history,
tomorrow is a mystery,
and today is a gift...
that's why they call it present”
― Master Oogway
I feel like over the years I have dealt with many big issues in my life and have a pretty healthy self love and outlook on life. Lately, I have noticed a few problem areas. It’s like my washer. On the outside it looks great, but I pulled back a rim and there was a lot of mold that was hidden. It needs tending to. That happens periodically as I go along. Recently, it has come to my attention to tend to some things hindering me from being free to live in the present. Basically, I let small regrets and small, but steady fear of the future hinder me from enjoying today. It comes out in me not letting my kids do certain things because what if. I might yell at them more in certain situations because the truth is I am afraid they will be like I was in high school. Usually, I enjoy people, but I have noticed lately that I am surprised when my kids want to spend time with me or compliment me and I have a hard time believing that about friends too. This week-end, there was a women’s retreat at my church and I had opportunity to reflect and from the talks, some fears surfaced. My friend asked me where was all this coming from. So, yesterday, I took some time to lay what had come up before God and I waited. He showed me that even though I am not the same person that I was in high school, I parent from that fear that my kids will also make bad choices. When I live in the shame of the past and operate out of the fear of the unknown in the future, I can see that I skip the present. So, I thought about what was true today and I was overwhelmed with gratitude. We have our shares of ups and downs, but there is a LOT to be grateful for. It occurred to me how silly it is to let my high school self parent my children. Also, I really don’t want to live in fear and worry about the future, but the truth is, I do. A few weeks ago, I realized I especially don’t trust my teenage son and I give him a hard time for things he has not done nor has he shown any propensity for doing. I will give him a hard time about things he says or the fact that he wanted a smart phone IN CASE he becomes a party boy porn addict. That is obviously silly. Hopefully, he will not make those choices. I notice my friends parent out of their woundedness and I can tell you 10 things I see they do, but I cannot see my own stink. So, I have been in process of losing my fear grip on him and I am so excited about this exposure of where my attention is and the hope of bringing it back to the present. It is not just with my kids, but all of my relationships or how I make decisions. If I am not free of these petty regrets or I am so focused on the future, I cannot see what is happening each day. I was shocked once because friends gave me extravagant gifts and it wasn't a "big"birthday. This week-end people complimented my parenting and seemed to want to spend time with me and I found myself a bit shocked. One time I was grousing about not getting a cello piece right and my cello teacher said how much I have improved. She said, “You don’t see what I see” That is really profound. What if I lived only in today? What if I just thanked God for what I KNOW about today instead of living with what didn’t happen or planning and scheming for what I want to happen? I am kind of excited and yet feeling a bit lost. What will I do with my time now? Haha. What keeps you from living just in today? Where is your focus and attention? Are you a person of the past or living for the future or like me, both?
Lord, I don't know how to live well in the present. Help me to let go of shame and regret. Help me to trust you with the future. Thank you for Today and for the promise you will never leave or forsake us. Amen!
