On trust
Photo by Alex Azabache on Unsplash
A couple of years ago, I found myself rather self-righteously telling my son, “You have to EARN trust.” I love my son so much. He is good about helping me evaluate my life practices. As he becomes a young adult and I am switching roles to that of guidance, I find myself many times re-evaluating my philosophy and standards.
As soon as I said, “ You have to EARN trust.” I knew I didn’t believe it. So, for two years I have been thinking about this. I watch this statement as I ponder the nation, the world and my own small stratosphere. Do I really believe this? Why? I was brought up to believe this and I have heard it a million times. This phrase falls flat for me for many reasons now. First of all, I have been happily married for twenty two years, which means I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I have never earned trust, nor has my husband. It’s a gift that we have to give each other as we live by grace. Secondly, I have three children. Even when they were small, “Five minutes and we have to leave” really meant, we will leave in two mintues if I want to or twenty minitues if I want to finish a conversation with other moms. How is that trustworthy? I have broken my word more times than I can count.
When I visit foreign places, the question, “Who can I trust?” is always at the forefront of my mind. I have made assumptions many times and sometimes they were wrong. We took many risks in trusting people and sometimes it worked out and sometimes we got burned. In many cross cultural scenarios, you do not have a choice in whom you place your trust.
Here are some incomplete thoughts and questions on trust.
It is a gift.
When someone breaks trust, it seems best to forgive and to be humble when we have to give trust again.
I can’t live my life by the statement, “You have to earn trust.”, nor can I hold that standard for others.
To withhold trust seems hypocritical on my part.
Trust is risky.
Of course we have to use wisdom and discernment in trusting or not trusting someone. I am talking about the average situation of trust. I would not let a jewel thief do my taxes, FYI.
What is my criteria for trust?
Who do I trust and why?
Who do I not trust and why not?
What are my walls for trust and what do I need to do to let go and heal?
Where can I be more healthy in my boundaries and more realistic?
Where do I need to forgive myself for broken trust?
Who do I need to forgive that broke my trust?
How do I apply this to authorities and strangers?
Not trusting people or carrying the wounds of broken trust is a huge burden to put on ourselves and others. I prefer to love and accept people, but if I am honest, there are many barriers to this free love. I am making peace with the imperfection of giving trust and receiving trust. It is so very connected to Grace. No one is perfect. Who am I to withhold trust or to not think of myself as worthy of trust even when I let people down? We all have to swallow our pride and do the best we can with ourselves and each other. Pride. sigh.
In my stage of life, I am working with teenagers. Viewing trust as a gift is helpful when they blow it or when I blow it. I can be gracious with them and myself and move on. It helps me start fresh every day and to try to have an innocent mind and not be so cynical with them or with others. It’s hard at times. Especially when the trust is for things they have habitually failed. On my part, how many times have I been late to pick them up? I get impatient when they tell me over and over what time to be somewhere. We become controlling when we don’t reset the trust button. I don’t like to be controlled, so why do I do it to others?
It is very healing to view trust as a gift. Recently, I experienced this with my husband. I didn’t want to tell him about some financial situations that I had made mistakes with, but I knew I was writing this piece in my head. I finally told him and he forgave me. We are working together to correct the problem. I experienced so much relief and it was very freeing. I found myself anxious and fretting when I wasn’t trusting him with my problem and when I was afraid he would not trust me anymore. My husband gave me trust and I didn’t earn it. It was a gift. That is very wonderful and humbling. I have done the same for him. Can’t I extend that to my kids or friends or strangers? Giving trust rather than expecting others to earn it is way more peaceful than holding back or putting up walls. It is risky and it does involve hurt, but I was not enjoying the person I was becoming when I did not have this attitude. I felt harsh and controlling. I am enjoying greater degrees of peace. I also feel more hospitable towards people and relaxed. What a gift!
