A New Kind of Courage
Last spring, I was minding my own business while checking out a prayer retreat center for possible use by our church. It is a peaceful and quiet place and soaked in prayer with an open atmosphere of pilgrimage. To my surprise, as I was seeking the Lord on some other things, I heard the quiet voice of the Holy Spirit reminding me of a dream to play the cello. He said, I think you should try the cello again. And for the next few weeks, there was a quiet nudge towards this. I found myself sharing in my small group at church as we just happened to be discussing dreams and I was embarrassed, but people were encouraging! There is a younger guy in our group who plays the bass guitar and he really encouraged me to call a mutual friend who teaches violin to ask about a good cello teacher. So, I did!
I got the name, but then the doubts and negative thoughts came flooding in. I am just a mom, that's so expensive and selfish. How will I find time to practice and plus, I am too old. Twenty four years later, the Holy Spirit is bringing this up? I am regrouping after the death of another dream of living forever in a foreign country and helping a people start a health care and mission revolution and THIS is what the Holy Spirit speaks to me? I was expecting new strategy or something more practical. But then, a second time I was at this same retreat center and I heard the Lord up it a notch and say that you should play the cello, I have given you that gift. So, I am holding the interpretation loosely and not jumping to the conclusion that I am a secret, latent prodigy, but maybe it's just the gift of trying to pursue it again, we will see.
The quiet nudge was consistent and then we sold our house and had some extra money. I also had started working through a book with some friends called The Journey of Desire by John Eldridge. I am at a bit of a crossroads and I have been asking God for perspective. So, as I worked my way through this book with friends, that pushed me over to calling this cello teacher and seeing if she takes beginning adults who have no back ground in music. She does!
Then over the summer, my mother in law got some bad news that she has breast cancer and I think that also was strangely eye opening to trying to live a more honest life. Because, honestly, I love the cello and I always have. When I was a freshman in college, I signed up for private lessons with a grad student and I loved it. I was so sappy, that one time I walked barefoot across campus with my cello across my back. By the time I got to the music building, I was so sweaty and my feet were a mess. I don't know why I thought that was a good idea, but there is a snapshot to the fact that I was living the dream! The next semester, I signed up for a real course and to my surprise, the teacher was the exact opposite of my encouraging female grad student. He was old, mean and so very German in a bad way! No offense, German friends. He shamed me for not know music, for playing with stickers on my cello like a child and for basically even thinking about playing the cello at the age of 20. So, I did not go back until the end of the semester to drop with a “Q”, which meant I lost money, it went on my transcript, but did not calculate into my GPA. At that point, he was a little more gentle and with a patronizing pat, encouraged me to take piano. So, death of a dream, because no way did I want to start with piano and THEN take cello, that would take FOREVER. I still loved the cello, but a false lie had been planted--I am not a musician and artistic endeavors are for those who start as children or are born a prodigy! I had a cello player in my wedding and just appreciated Yo-Yo Ma all the more.
As I worked through these doubts, I came to the conclusion, it is ok to be average and I can just try and play for fun. I live so all or nothing, I have to talk myself down from the cliff of moving to Austria and going all the way with music, which also keeps me FROM just taking simple, local lessons. It doesn't have to be a profession, for crying out loud!
The cello teacher tells me to go to a violin shop in a nearby town in order to rent my cello. And so I began the strange and silly pursuit of doing something I like to do--totally impractical and totally exciting! The drive is a country drive because little did you know, that in the middle of small town North Carolina is an old house where there is indeed a violin shop--I can't tell you how excited I was --I love old towns and road trips, I was by myself and it was beyond quaint. I love old library and book shop smells and this was the same phenomenon, only old musical instruments. As I walk into the shop, I sense God's presence. Tears welled up in my eyes and I am overwhelmed with gratitude and desire to play the cello. Again, I hear the Lord, "I am with you, I have made you to do this!" I am trying to get it together and not weep over this man renting me my cello or overshare, which, by the grace of God I did make it out, but inside my heart, I was doing kangaroo jumps!
Then, I go to my first lesson and meet my teacher and she is so lovely. She asked me if I have any musical background and I am tempted to give a short answer, no. But I am not a short answer person, so I briefly explained to her my Texas failure. She said, wait a minute, I trained in Texas. You are not talking about Prof. Blank, are you? I almost fell out of my chair. It was so redemptive. She said that she would have quit, too and he was such a shame based professor and super old school. I could not believe how God could do that? How on earth does God do that? What are the chances of meeting someone in North Carolina that happened to train for cello in Texas and know exactly the source of my shame and failure?
Redemption, resurrection and a call to a funny kind of obedience. Life with Jesus is not boring and if I would follow my Good Shepherd to rural Africa, why can't I follow Him on the footpath of music in middle class America?
Jesus, give me courage to hear you, to have your eyes and deeper trust still. I gave my life to you and I give you my dreams and ambitions, those for world revolution and the end of poverty and those of wanting to play the cello! Amen.
