A Remembering
The Lord is very funny. Hularious. For years, I wanted to be a missionary. When we were finally sent, I was in my 40's and had three kids and suffice to say my missionary dreams were not realized! I wanted to be Amy Carmichael... 20 and single! Not an out of shape suburban mom who felt like Nellie Olson for 3 years!
But today is not about that, today is about giving in to Jesus. Right before Christmas I finally gave in to being a writer. I am a writer. I thought it didn't count because I write letters and missionary newsletters and I had a blog which ended when we came off the mission field. I realized I am a writer as I was talking to a young friend (thank you Sarah) who was discussing writing and the Holy Spirit just fanned out before me all the facts. In one moment, things that have brewed all my life came together. Sometimes when the Holy Spirit is pulling things together, in my head, I have a Roledex flashfile of facts...
My original dream job was to be a photo journalist, traveling around Texas on a motorcycle and getting peoples stories and publishing them in magazines.
I have a LOT of words.
I frequently am burdened by essays waiting to be birthed. Sadly, they are spoken to my husband or friends who happen to get caught in the line of "birthing", haha.
On that note, I often feel I can express myself better writing than speaking. In part because of VOLUME. What looks small in writing, is large in speaking.
People have often commented I should write a book or that I am a good writer. Which I have dismissed for years.
I love to share thoughts, ideas and connect people.
I have had an idea to start a blog for missionary mothers.
I miss writing!
So, as my friend was sharing, these thoughts came up and I realized that God has made me a writer and I should stop living in fear and excuses and try to obey.
I looked up a friends writing workshop, which turned out to be a dynamic online writing community and I joined and then I jotted out next steps. This was right before Christmas, but I did it because the Lord is not practical and doesn't mind inappropriate timing OR if we are ready or not. I love the Lord.
Baby steps because then the glorious Christmas break came. In the new year, just as I was getting kids settled into school, and I was contemplating a routine, I found out my parents have some health issues that will require my attention and out of state travel. I was tempted to be practical and stop this nonsense and just wait, but I have a desire to practice a funny kind of obedience. Saying yes to God and really trusting Him for the details. I am so craving to be who I am made to be and never in 1000 years would I have said I am an artist or even wanted to be, most of the time.
So, it's Tuesday and I am taking the day to read and write. My parents are at the neurologist as I write this and I don't know what is coming next. I also take cello lessons on Tuesday and have been contemplating when is my Sabbath as a wife of a doctor and a mother of three? Tuesdays.
A funny kind of obedience has come out of a place of confusion, death to a long term dream and a surprise whisper of the Holy Spirit when I was on a prayer retreat. I heard the voice of the Holy Spirit reminding my to play the cello and that I really want to play the cello. So, just as I am trying to do this cello playing, the Lord brings up writing. Wait, one thing at a time, LORD!
The next few posts will be on that story and some thoughts. But, I wanted to write in the light of this new step and it's awkward and uncomfortable feeling and not really even being able to adequately express how excited and scared and foolish I feel. I want to remember this so, I won't be afraid to continue to walk out this greater trust and dependence on Jesus and set aside saving the world and practice simple, daily yes to Jesus days.
You know what I feel right now--utter peace, hope, faith. Excitement. That is such a GREAT feeling and so much lighter than the usual cycle of fear, guilt, confusion, and low grade dissatisfaction that haunts my life.
You know what's even better? I have shared this with some friends who pray for me--we pray in a group and as we pray for the world and the refugees, I asked for prayer to follow in these awkward baby steps what I hear God calling me to go. And even better, is that I find new life breathed into my days of mothering and wifing, so my interest is peaked and all the things I thought would happen, have not and in fact, there are some answered prayers in my parenting and daily life! I NEVER would have connected creative outlets with that--I just would work harder and try harder. That just made me uptight and angry.
Lord, seal this as a revelation, deep in our hearts. We are made for more than slavery and just doing. We are co-creators made for joy and love and trust and dependence on Jesus, our Good Shepherd. Thanks for being a fun and good father and for your patience, because you know we are made from dirt, but your intent is to make us Holy and Precious. Thank you for being the best Father there ever was. I love you and I pray this will glorify you and be a blessing to your people.
