Surrender
Fourteen + years ago, when I learned I was pregnant with my first born, I was a teacher. I was working on an ESL certificate, which oddly required me to get a 30 hour teacher degree and an add on ESL of 12 hours! I was doing this to prepare to compliment my husband who was in medical school and we had hopes of living cross culturally and serving the underserved. I remember thinking and telling God that I would try this stay at home thing and see if it worked out, but that I could always go back to teaching if needed.
Then Micah was born and I never could understand how something that small could be so disruptive. I felt caught for years, there was no way I was talented enough to work and care for this tiny person, but I am not exactly the stay at home type, either!
I love parenting and as I have worked through the post traumatic stress disorder from the diaper years, I LOVE being out of the diaper years of parenting even more. Did I mention that diapers are traumatic? Now, I am in the school age years and that has it's own challenge and opportunity for growth... I am often reading parenting books and praying and working through my own issues and dealing with the kids' issues. I have three, a young man who is 14.5, a young lady who is 11.5 and another young lady who is 9.5. We hit certain ruts that require supernatural breakthrough-- the worst part of the day is from 4-8, and let me not soften this, I despise bedtime. I feel mild guilt when other more loving and nurturing friends describe peaceful and beautiful bed time routines, but now, I am reconciled to the fact that I am a viking mother, raising viking children. That's nice for you other people, but I have 3 strong willed, very interesting and very energetic children. Thankfully, while I bend towards the prophetic personality, my husband has a gift of mercy and comes home post homework and fresh with desire to spend time with his children. We have come to a place, where he puts them to bed and I, being the morning person, wake up, and take the morning shift, let's just say, a little more fresh and gentle than at night.
So, now I am in this new phase of artistic endeavor and hit a little rut with how to find time to practice and how to relax enough to practice? I put it before my friends for prayer and they pray! The very next week, I had a thought, that why don't I try to practice at night? It was a Monday, so, I asked my husband to oversee chores and to my great delight, I walked up the stairs and experienced total joy as everyone is compliant and wishing me well. I close the door and start getting out my cello. My youngest child sneaks in and wants to know all about what I am doing. I get excited and not nervous at all and agree to play Jolly Old St. Nicklaus for her--it was so delightful! I was post wine relaxed and played the BEST ever!! Then my oldest girl comes in and is conducting me and we had a grand old time. THEN, my youngest child asked me to come upstairs to play with her on the piano and I end up plucking them twinkle, twinkle little star to bed!!
This is a miracle on so many levels and an unintended answer to some parenting prayers, to boot! I could not believe it! If you would have told me I could be artistic, I would have laughed you into the next county. But for real, I am now sharing music with my youngest daughter who is still in piano. My cello teacher is so gentle and casual and brilliant about giving me mom lessons and homework that will include my piano playing daughter. The kids encourage me and we are sharing music together!
What I am finding is that pursuing these more creative parts of me actually is affording opportunity to live in abundant grace. I don't feel called to work outside the home, but I am not a natural stay at home mom. I did it more to not be an angry working mom, and I have often felt that there is something more, I just didn't know what it was. When I returned from Africa, I did see a counselor to work through issues and to seek perspective and one of the words she had for me was "integration". I became aware of a need to more integrated and not be so uptight and segregated with my hobbies and pursuits.
As I have sought the Lord, He is integrating me! I can definitely report that I am not a secret, latent cello prodigy, but I am interested in working and practicing and growing and I can tell that I am better than when I started. Most importantly, I love it and saying yes to Jesus in this area builds my faith and encourages me to live more freely in other areas! We have all heard that our lives are made up of many small choices and I am finding this to be so true as I face the unknown of the future, but hold all these dreams, ideas and desires in my little unseen basket that I carry.
Lord, thank you for the shift of the control of my heart to your hands. I have put my heart in your hands and I do trust you again, maker of my dreams, personality and person. Like Yeats, I ask you to tread softly because you tread on my dreams, but you already know this because your tender mercy is great! Amen.
